Our house hunting journey was not an easy one. We looked off and on for over 3 years. I studied the real estate market the way overachieving college students prepare for a final exam. We looked at what I would conservatively estimate to be at least 90 homes. We worked with countless realtors, made 6 different offers, competed in 2 bidding wars (and lost), and gave up on everything we wanted in our desperation to find a home for our growing family. Our list of acceptable towns grew, and we compromised on school district and crime rates. We decreased the number of bedrooms and bathrooms we hoped for, we looked at homes with postage stamp-sized lots as we ignored our dreams of a backyard perfect for family wiffleball games. We looked at dark, depressing homes, damaged homes, homes with water problems, and homes that clearly needed to be demolished. I gave up on my dreams of a neighborhood perfect for family walks and a house full of sunshine. There were countless fights, days of tears, and endless frustration. We gave up so many times, justifying that we’d rather pay our exorbitant rent to live somewhere beautiful than give up our savings and pay even more monthly for a home at risk of falling down around us. And then, a miracle happened.
About 6 months into my pregnancy, we started looking for houses again. We looked for a few weeks in about 7 towns, altered our list of must-haves and dealbreakers yet again, and became very quickly discouraged. We even made an offer on one house, it got accepted, and then we had to back out due to major problems found during the home inspection. When I called the realtor to pull our offer, I thanked her for her help and asked her to keep us in mind if anything similar (without the issues) came up. Four days later, she sent a text about a house in the same neighborhood that was coming on the market in a few days. It was sunny, beautiful, and a bit out of our price range. We decided to look at it anyway.
When I walked through the door, I knew we had found our home. And not our first home, our forever home. It had everything we had ever wanted, everything we had believed we’d never be able to have. We stretched our budget, cut everything we could, and made an offer. And they accepted. They actually accepted! And they even cancelled their open house the next day!
I spent the next 40 days waiting for something to go wrong. But the house passed inspection, we signed the Purchase & Sales agreement, the bank approved our loan, the house appraised for exactly what we paid for it, and before I knew it, we were standing on the front steps on a sunny October morning a 29 days before my due date holding a sold sign while our realtor took pictures. We signed the mountain of paperwork, and it was ours. 8 years of saving (I started saving up before Andrew and I started dating), 3 years of searching, countless frustrations, and we finally had our dream home. With the help of our incredible friends, we were actually settled and unpacked within 2 weeks. By the time we brought Emily home from the hospital, it actually felt like home and we were so happy.
Last weekend, we had some wonderful friends over to see our house, meet Emily, and have lunch. As Andrew gave the tour, I noticed something. Despite telling me regularly how much he loves our home and our neighborhood, he did not make it seem that way to his friends. He pointed out all the flaws of our new home, he talked about how he would’ve been happy in any town, and almost seemed like he was apologizing for the fact that we love our house. When I talked to him about it later, he said he felt guilty because we were happy. “I really love our home,” he told me. “I feel bad other people don’t feel the same way about theirs.”
That’s when it hit me -we are all constantly apologizing for being happy! How many times have you downplayed an accomplishment? Or guiltily justified a splurge? Or felt like you only got something because of luck? Look at a relationship. Yes, meeting someone is often by chance, but making the relationship last? Getting through the fights and frustrations inherent to building a life with another person? That’s hard work. And no one gets into the school of their dreams by luck -colleges have more options than ever with every passing year. If you get into your dream school, it’s because you’ve earned it. The same is true for jobs. We have to work hard to earn the lives we want. And when you accomplish something, be proud! Don’t be arrogant, and certainly don’t rub it in people’s faces, but there’s nothing wrong with letting others know how you really feel. Your friends and family want you to be happy. By diminishing your accomplishments, you are doing yourself a disservice and also depriving those who love you an opportunity to share in your joy.
I’ve found myself doing this countless times. My job? Pure luck. My Master’s degree? A necessity, not a source of pride. My undergraduate GPA? The one I basically gave up my social life for so I’d graduate summa cum laude? Just doing what I was supposed to do. My home? More luck. My relationship? Right place, right time. But the truth is, every single one of those sources of pride was the result of concentrated effort. So I’m done belittling them. I got my job because I paid my dues for 3 years at the most challenging school I will ever work in. I worked full time and put myself through graduate school and still graduated magna cum laude, and I am proud of that. My undergraduate GPA was the result of endless hours of work and research. My home came after 3 years of effort. My relationship will never stop requiring hard work from both of us.
It’s the same way with compliments. How many times has someone complimented you and you just brushed it off? I’ve done it too. When someone complimented my dress, I told them I got it on sale. Or worse, I’ll point out a flaw. My hair has flyaways, my car has a dent, my IEP had a typo on page 6, I stumbled over my words in a meeting...it goes on and on forever. There’s some weird social phenomenon that keeps us from accepting compliments. A few years ago, I made it a personal goal to smile and say thank you instead of basically arguing with someone kind enough to make an effort to say something sweet to me. Now, these compliments actually make me feel validated and supported instead of uncomfortable. And as someone who regularly compliments others, I can tell you that when people try to explain away the praise, it ends up becoming very awkward. Usually, I end up becoming even more insistent about my original praise, and the conversation grows into the strangest passive aggressive argument. So if you have a hard time accepting them, it may help to consider that you’re doing both people involved a favor!
The next time you find yourself devaluing yourself and what you’ve accomplished, remember how hard you worked to there and own it. When you get a compliment, smile and say thank you. You deserve to be happy, and those who love and care about you will be so glad to share in it with you. Just remember Leslie Knope’s wise words below!
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