My adorable Emily is officially 15 weeks old! The time has flown, and even though I am by no means an expert at this whole mom thing, I have learned so much. Three and a half months ago, I suddenly became responsible for this tiny human. I was afraid to pick her up because I didn’t actually know how to. I had never spent too much time around babies, I’d changed maybe 3 diapers in my life (all pee), and when babies cried near me, my fight or flight kicked in and I wanted to run away. I did not think I was equipped to be a mother. And now, after the most exhausting and best three and a half months of my life, I know I was meant for this.
When I was pregnant and very uncertain about whether I could handle being a parent, everyone constantly gave me advice. “It’s different when it’s your own baby,” they’d say when I stressed over not being a baby person. “You’ll know what to do,” they said when I worried about my lack of experience. And I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “You’ll be fine,” and didn’t believe it. But it was all true. I wish I’d saved myself the stress and believed them at the time, but I didn’t because i am stubborn and need to see things for myself. Now that I’ve fallen in love with being a mom, I’m hopeful that I can help those just as worried as I was.
So here are just a few of the things I wish I knew going in:
1. Motherhood is going to be different for everyone. And as long as your baby is safe and cared for, there’s no wrong way to be a parent. And fed is best. Don’t beat yourself up for the choices you make and hold yourself up to impossible standards because you will make yourself crazy. With my mom’s help, I quickly realized that I needed to make choices to help my mental health. If I wasn’t overwhelmed, if I took care of myself too, I could be a better mother and enjoy the time with my daughter more than I would if I were stressed and forcing myself to live up to unrealistic expectations of being the perfect mother. As a perfectionist in all areas of my life, it pains me to say this, but there is no perfect.
2. Getting back to your pre-baby weight will be your last priority, and your relationship with food will change. Before I had Emily, I counted calories, exercised to lose weight and not for enjoyment, became fixated on my numerical size and weight, and was very critical of my body. Now, I look at food differently. There’s no good or bad food, there’s just healthy food and treats. The first few weeks with Emily, I often forgot to eat and drink because I was so consumed with taking care of her. Now I have a routine and am on somewhat of a normal schedule, and I’m eating healthy most of the time. And that works for me. The strict diet and exercise regimen I envisioned during my last weeks of pregnancy is not realistic. Having a baby and limited free time helped me cut through the crap and realize that I needed to focus on what I enjoyed. Instead of forcing myself through exercises I hated for the sole purpose of losing weight, I’ve been walking outside every day for an hour with Emily. And when my dad gets bagels or Andrew brings home pizza, I eat and enjoy this delicious food guilt free. Yes, I’m not the size or weight I wanted to be by this point, but honestly, I don’t care. My body brought life into the world. If that means I’m a size bigger than I used to be and need to buy some new pants, then so be it.
3. The love you feel for your baby will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I can’t tell you how many times I heard this when I was pregnant, and while I hoped it would be true, I didn’t believe it. And yet, in those first moments of Emily’s life, when she was still purpley and soaking wet and crying those newborn cries on my chest, there was a seismic shift in my heart. There’s a scene in the season 3 finale of Grey’s Anatomy when Dr. Burke recites his wedding vows to Christina. I highly recommend watching the scene.
Here’s a cut down version of these vows: “Christina, I could promise to hold you and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say ’till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples. The ones full of hope. And I do not stand here, on my wedding day, optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic, I am not hopeful. I am sure.” And that’s the only way I can describe how I felt in that delivery room. I felt sure. When I looked at my baby, when I put my arms around her for the first time, I had never felt more right and more certain in my life. I also knew I had never loved anyone more, and I thought it was impossible to love anyone more than I loved her. I was wrong. Every day, with every new thing she does, I love her more than I did the day before. As I write this, she’s smiling in her sleep, so all that love just grew again!
4. You will be blown away by the kindness and generosity of others, and you will find out who is truly there for you. When we first had Emily, I panicked a lot. I think every mom does. I was overwhelmed, I cried a lot, I had countless questions, and I needed people but I didn’t want to bother them or have them think I was crazy. But then they started reaching out to me, asking to come visit, bringing thoughtful care packages and soup, sending meals from local restaurants despite living in other states, answering questions, offering advice, and assuring me that I was doing a great job. I had never provided support like this to new moms because honestly, I had no idea they needed it. Now that I know, I try to help as much as I can. And in addition to being grateful to my mom friends, I’m so impressed by how many of my childless friends knew what I needed better than I did. Then there’s family, who are so incredibly supportive and will want to come visit more than ever. I find myself becoming closer to many family members because of Emily. And then there’s strangers. I don’t bring Emily to indoor public places yet because of flu season and now a coronavirus pandemic, but once people find out I have a baby, there are so kind. To the Stop & Shop employee who gave me extra coupons for formula, the sneaker salesman who helped me so I could get home to my “little sunshine” sooner, the tradesmen who fixed various issues at my house while complimenting my baby and sharing advice from their own experience as parents, the people on phone calls who patiently wait for me to settle her down after she cries, and everyone else who has been kind, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
5. The first night home from the hospital is the hardest (at least so far). There were no nurses, Emily cried every time we put her down in the bassinet, I cried, I yelled at Andrew, Andrew comforted both of us, I became convinced that she was going to suffocate on post-nasal drip from crying so much and that we were failing as parents, and we got about an hour of sleep. It was a complete disaster. And after it happened and I texted my other mom friends, they all said it had been exactly the same for them. I wish I knew that going in! So now it’s my mission to tell every other parent-to-be so they’re more prepared than I was. We took Emily to the pediatrician a few days later and found out that we were underfeeding her and she was probably cold. At the time, I felt a crushing sense of failure. But now I realize that new moms make mistakes and I was doing the best I could. We bought formula (I wasn’t producing enough and she wasn’t latching), we put her in a warmer sleep sack, and we put a heating pad in her bassinet to warm it up for her (note: if you do this, take out the heating pad before you put the baby in the bassinet. Always follow safe sleep guidelines. Check the AAP for more info if you need it). And something amazing happened: she slept for 3 straight hours! We had to wake her up for her next feeding! And then she slept for another 3 hours! It was a small miracle. And from there, it got much easier.
6. Your relationship is going to change and it’s going to be hard sometimes. There’s nothing as frustrating as caring for your sleeping baby while your husband snores next to you, blissfully unaware that you’ve been rocking your baby for 40 minutes trying to get her to sleep. I’m not going to lie, in those moments, I hated Andrew. This isn’t a new thing, Andrew has a long history of sleeping through everything including fire alarms (not exaggerating, but that’s a story for another day). I wanted him to wake up when Emily cried just like I did. I wanted him to instinctively know when I needed him to do something instead of me needing to ask. We battled over things like sleep, hand washing, how to hold Emily, safety, and basically everything else. But then, something shifted. We had World War III, everything came up at once, but then we got through it and came through the fight with better communication strategies. We’ve always been pretty direct with each other, but now we’re at a whole new level and it is working well for us. And there are other positive changes too. Watching Andrew hold Emily while she smiles at him, seeing him silly dance for her, realizing that he instinctively knows what she needs better than I do, seeing the outfits he picks out for her...the list goes on forever. And I love every second of it. I knew he’d be a good dad, it was part of why I married him. But seeing it in action makes me appreciate him more. I’ve also learned to better understand how he shows his love. Sometimes it’s bringing home a comfy bathrobe for me, sometimes it’s loading the dishwasher without being asked, sometimes it’s a long hug. It’s there and I need to appreciate these moments.
7. Try not to Google. And if you can’t help it, set a time limit. I am an obsessive Googler. And when I’m nervous about something, this amps up even more. When I first had Emily, I obsessed over the flu, SIDS, and then, as it became more widespread, coronavirus. I read everything I could find and drove myself crazy. And then I realized that a lot of the information I was reading was the same, and the endless reading was not helping me. So I bookmarked the articles that helped me take a deep breath in those moments of panic and set a limit. I could Google these scary things at most three times a day if they were evolving (e.g., coronavirus spreading throughout the world) and would read the bookmarked articles for information that would not change (e.g, safe sleep guidelines). It was hard at first, but it ended up really helping me to focus on being in the moment with Emily. And now there are many days where I don’t look at the bookmarked articles and only search my anxiety triggers once a day. Also, if I had legitimate concerns, I called my pediatrician’s nurse line and got real answers rather than relying off Google. I cannot recommend that highly enough, and the nurses are kind enough to patiently answer every question or concern. Over time, you worry less. My phone calls have decreased from every other day when she was first born to at most twice a month. But those early days are hard, and that’s okay! Just know it gets easier.
8. Wear your hair up. And stop wearing necklaces and earrings. Babies have sweaty, sticky little hands. Emily started accidentally pulling my hair about 2 weeks in, and she spit up in it countless times before and after that. So for your own sanity, wear your hair up.
9. Enjoy the rainy days. And I mean literal rainy days and days where you have absolutely no plans. I love the days where we’re stuck inside because it’s a perfect excuse for extra snuggles and being extra cozy with Emily and Gloria. Could I be doing a workout right now instead of writing? Sure. Should I throw in that load of laundry? Definitely. In the old days, I would’ve thrown on a raincoat and gone for a walk or run errands or blown through all my chores my 9 AM. But why would I move when I have a sleeping baby curled up on my lap and a purring cat on my legs? Slow down and soak in these moments because you won’t have them forever.
10. Buy a comfy yoga mat. As your baby gets older, chances are they will love their play mat. I know Emily does! So between that and tummy time, I spend a ton of time on the floor with her. And now that I’m 30, everything hurts after kneeling on a hard floor. My super cushy yoga mat is a lifesaver (and a great place for Emily to practice rolling over), as are pillows. Make yourself comfortable while you play with your baby, you will enjoy it so much more.
11. Do what you have to when you have to. Sometimes, when Emily is screaming and nothing I do helps, I need to put her down safely in her bassinet and take a minute to catch my breath. Sometimes, Emily sleeps in her newborn lounger, but only when I’m awake and right next to her so I can watch her breathe. Sometimes, when we’re really hungry, we let Emily watch TV for a few minutes so we can inhale our dinner. There are a million rules for taking care of a baby, so many things that you can and cannot do, and sometimes you need to break them. As long as your baby is safe, it’s okay. Also, when Emily used to wake up crying in the middle of the night, I found it incredibly helpful to move her bassinet across the room. When she was right next to me, I got up so tired, and a few times, I brought her into bed with me thinking I’d snuggle with her for a few minutes and put her right back. Instead, I fell asleep with her in my arms and woke up panicked because I had made such a dangerous mistake. I was lucky, and she was okay, but so many other parents who do the exact same thing are not. I needed to wake myself up when I went to comfort her. So I moved her bassinet to be next to Andrew’s side of the bed. That way, I had to walk across a cold floor to get to her. And I sat on the floor with her instead of sitting in bed or walked out to the living room to feed her in bright light with the TV on because it kept me awake. This worked for me, and it kept Emily safe. I can’t stress it enough. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane and your baby safe.
12. Don’t get caught up in timelines. There are tons of milestones babies are supposed to hit in their first year, and as a special education teacher, I found myself especially aware of them because I wanted to make sure I picked up on any issues as soon as possible. According to the charts, Emily grabbed for toys late. In fact, she still has no interest in grabbing for her toys and prefers to kick the keyboard attached to her playmat. She held her head up on her own early. She babbled early. She rolled early. She did everything else right on time. But realistically, Emily was right on time for every single one of these things because she did them when she was ready. Unless there is a significant delay and your pediatrician is concerned, don’t stress. Sometimes your baby will be a couple weeks late on a milestone, other times she’ll be early, and she might be right on time. But don’t make yourself crazy unless you actually have something legitimate to worry about.
13. Find songs you and your baby both like. Babies love music and singing, and some baby songs are, to be brutally honest, grating. Or they get stuck in your head to the point where they make you crazy, like “Baby Shark.” And some are great, like my personal favorites, Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep.” So play the ones you love and be glad your baby will forget about the ones you don’t. And play the regular songs you love too, because your baby will enjoy those just as much as baby songs. Emily loves Florida Georgia Line’s “May We All” and “Simple” and everything Taylor Swift just as much as I do.
14. Sleep becomes a precious commodity, but you need less than you think. Your baby will sleep a more and more as time goes on, but those first few weeks are rough. I think it was new mom adrenaline, but I found that I was able to function well on 5 hours of sleep, so sleeping in the few hours between nighttime feedings worked well for me. I’m also not a nap person, so I had to adapt. But remember that this is fleeting, your baby will eventually sleep more, and you’ll get more sleep eventually too. Some days are harder than others, and on those late nights and early mornings, I used to take a deep breath and remind myself that if Emily was crying, it means she’s breathing, and ultimately that’s all that really matters.
15. Listen to your gut. And do what feels right to you. First of all, you have maternal instincts, and they kick in when you meet your baby. I’ve never felt more protective of anyone in my life, and because of that, I put some demands on everyone who comes into my home or comes near my baby. Everyone has to wash their hands before they touch her. Coats worn in public places need to come off before they hold her. Andrew and I change our clothes after we’ve been out in public. After a visit to the doctor where I sat surrounded by coughing and sneezing individuals, I showered before I touched her, and I plan to do the same thing once I go back to work if any of my students are sick. When family members have tried to take her out of my arms without washing their hands or asking me first, I don’t let them hold her. If I know people are sick at a gathering, I don’t bring her. I ask everyone if they’re sick before I let them come visit. And even if people have the audacity to be resistant to my rules, it doesn’t matter because she’s my baby and I need to do what feels right to me. So stand up for yourself and stick to your rules. Your biggest job right now is to keep your baby safe, and if anyone makes you feel like you’re being crazy or overprotective, ignore them. You know what’s best for your baby.
16. Things will hit you differently than they did before. Ever since I had Emily, I’ve reacted more strongly to things. Whenever someone on a TV show finds out their pregnant, I cry because I’m so happy for them. And when someone actually has a baby in a book or movie, I’m a puddle. These reactions are even stronger in real life, so basically I cry a lot of happy tears. But sad events and plot lines affect me differently too. I was binging old episodes of The O.C., and all I could think about was how horrible it was for Ryan to be abandoned and what a great dad Sandy Cohen was. When I was 14 watching the show for the first time, I had a very different reaction. I can’t read books where something bad happens to children, especially babies, and I have to put it down. And be prepared to think of history and current events differently too.
17. If you don’t feel right, speak up. When I went for my postpartum check up, I completed a questionnaire designed to screen for postpartum depression and anxiety. Naturally, being a special education teacher who regularly administers and scores assessments, I read the instructions and scored it myself. Scores above 9 were of concern, and I scored an 8. However, I knew I had been experiencing postpartum anxiety. When I gave my doctor the assessment, I told her my concerns, and she immediately gave me a referral for a counselor specializing in postpartum anxiety. Had I not spoken up, I would’ve masked my symptoms during my appointment and not received the help I needed. So please, if you don’t feel like yourself mentally or physically, talk to someone you trust.
18. You’re going to be a different mom than you thought you’d be. When I imagined motherhood, I thought I’d be cooking 3 meals a day from scratch, baking all the time, immaculately cleaning my house, working out 7 days a week to get my body back, knitting, and crafting with items from Dollar Tree (I got really into Dollar Tree crafting videos during my last trimester). The reality is very different. Trader Joe’s frozen meals are a lifesaver, I keep my house neat but not immaculate, I go for walks as much as I can, I don’t know how to knit, and I haven’t crafted anything. But my baby is happy and cared for and so am I. And that’s all that matters. Moving forward, I want to be the mom playing in the yard with her kids, the mom at the playground every Saturday morning, the mom who bakes cookies when her kids have their friends over. And I really would love to learn how to knit someday. These are far more realistic expectations than the Supermom fantasy I cultivated 3 months ago, but I also think they’ll make me much happier.
19. Celebrate the small things just as much as the big things. There are so many milestones Emily hits that are not part of any chart. The first time she talked to us in her own language, the first time she kicked her little keyboard on her play mat, the way she wakes up smiling every day...these are the little unofficial milestones that mean just as much as the ones we look for.
20. Your baby will teach you so much. The first night nurse we had after Emily was born was so helpful and reassuring. She said babies are “clever little creatures” and that they always know exactly what they need. In the last 15 weeks, I’ve learned that her words are incredibly true, and that if I pay close enough attention, she tells me exactly what she wants every time. Sometimes I don’t pick up on it right away, and I’ll guess wrong, but as soon as I figure it out, she’s back to her smiley self again. But more than that, she’s taught me how to enjoy small moments and how to be still. She’s reinforced the importance of snuggling, and I’ve learned that time spent with her in my arms is never wasted, even if there are a million other things I could be doing. And she forgives so quickly! One minute, she’ll be angrily screaming at me over a dirty diaper, and the next she’s cooing and enjoying her dry outfit, all frustration forgotten. We could all learn from that. She teaches me something every day, I just have to be present enough to learn her lessons.
I can’t wait to revisit this list in another 15 weeks and see how much more she’s taught me by then! What lessons have you learned? What do you wish you knew going in? I would love to know!
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