Charles Dickens’ infamous opening line in A Tale of Two Cities has never been more relevant than in 2020. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of dark was, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” When Dickens penned that incredibly long novel, I’m sure he never imagined a year like the one we’re finally nearing the end of. But I particularly love this quote because each negative is paired with a positive. Yes it was dark and horrible, but there was immense good as well. And that’s what I want to focus on today.
Before I launch into the positives, I want to make it clear that I’m not brushing off the difficultly of this year, particularly the last 9 months. I want you to understand that although I’m focusing on the good, I intensely felt the negative we’ve all become so accustomed to. I’ve experienced crippling anxiety throughout the pandemic. I remember when it was new and we knew nothing, Andrew and I took Emily for a walk and a runner jogged past us. This was the day after that faulty study indicated that runners were dangerous, so I had an instant panic attack and cried for hours. I fought my anxiety daily for months. I fought with Andrew over the severity of COVID, over being one of the very few families we knew following social distancing guidelines, over balancing both of our remote work schedules and childcare, over being consistently far from everyone at family gatherings, over how frequently we washed our hands and sanitized our house...the list goes on. Eventually, we got close enough to the same page that we stopped fighting about it and got into our weird routine. Then we went back to in-person teaching and the anxiety spiked again. Then Andrew’s grandmother died and we fought about whether he should hug his family at the funeral. I lost a cousin to COVID. Andrew’s father, who I love dearly, got diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grandfather had 2 strokes. My cousin and her children got diagnosed with COVID. My union battled my school committee and lost. We teach with the windows open every day because the classroom ventilation isn’t safe, which is delightful in Massachusetts in December. Things kept piling up around us to the point where I spent weeks unable to take a full deep breath. And then something funny happened - I went completely numb. Healthy? Probably not, but I have definitely gone back to being a more emotionally stable person because of it.
And while my year has been so challenging, it has been so much worse for others. I look at my incredible friends in healthcare and wonder how they’re still standing after everything they’ve had to endure. I see people who have lost loved ones or been permanently impacted by this terrible virus, whether it’s physically, mentally, or economically. Reading the news has been more depressing with each passing day. Politics are more divisive and hostile than ever. Voices suppressed for so long are finally being heard. Teachers are now viewed as villains in society because we’re afraid for our health and safety. Social media is a nightmare.
I feel like we all desperately need to move forward into better times, but before we can do that, we need to reflect on this year and focus on what we’ve learned about ourselves and the world around us. So here are the 20 lessons I want to take with me into 2021 and beyond.
1. We are More Adaptable than We Realize. If you told me 10 months ago that I would be super excited to find a 5 pack of festive holiday masks on sale at Old Navy for $1.99 last weekend, I would’ve thought you were completely insane. I always had issues with masks, they made me feel claustrophobic. Now I wear one 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Half the time, I forget I’m wearing one. Looking back on this pandemic, I can see so many things I’ve had to adapt to: going back to work, teaching teaching remotely, teaching hybrid models, sanitizing everything constantly, going back into stores, and many, many others. Each challenge feels completely overwhelming, and yet it quickly becomes normal. I want to carry this adaptability with me into 2021 as a reminder that I can adjust to nearly anything.
2. We are So Very Creative. This is actually one of my favorite lessons of 2020. Birthday parades, social distant cook outs and no contact games, hybrid lessons (I cannot even begin to describe my love of Google Slides), and Zoom family dinners didn’t exist for most of us before this year. My student excitedly told me about her virtual Secret Santa exchange the other day -participants shipped gifts to one another anonymously, then got together on the House Party App to open them and celebrate the holiday. How cool is that?! We reconfigured classrooms and stores, we picked up new hobbies and actually got good at them, we learned so much and pushed ourselves to get creative and make our new normal as good as we could. We changed our world in a way that I really think is for the best.
3. Distance Means Nothing When It Comes To The Ones We Love. It is amazing how close you can still feel to the people you love even when you can’t be together. Andrew, Emily, and I went a solid month seeing only each other. And yet I called, texted, and video chatted with friends and family so much that I think I actually saw them more than I did pre-pandemic. Then, as we learned more about the virus and realized it was okay to do outdoor visits, we made efforts to see our loved ones as often as we could. My brother came over for distant walks almost every week. We visited our parents weekly in their backyards. We had friends over for fires, walks, and cookouts. We kept FaceTiming and Zooming and using the HouseParty app so we could see our friends’ faces. And we had so much fun! As we head into winter, I’m a little afraid of the coming isolation, but I plan to make a conscious effort to reach out to my friends and family for virtual visits or brave the New England weather for outdoor visits as often as I can.
4. “Most People are Good.” Luke Bryan’s beautiful song (link to video here) perfectly encapsulates the hope I feel after this year, because he’s right. Even with all the pain and frustration this year has brought, there has been so much good. I am so grateful to John Krasinski for making Some Good News (here’s the link to episode 1) in the middle of the darkest days we had. He brought light, kindness, and good to the forefront rather than the endless tirade of terror from the nightly news. Our neighborhood was filled with red hearts and rocks with inspirational messages painted on them. Local restaurants donated food to nurses, grocery store workers finally got the appreciation they deserved, and so many people gave and gave as much as they could. And on a smaller scale, our wonderful friends came through for us in every way they could. Many weren’t distancing as strictly as I insisted we were, but they shivered through fall outdoor girls nights, carefully prepared outdoor lunches, met me for walks whenever they could, video called, regular called, provided specially cleaned toys for Emily when we visited their houses, and were consistently kind and compassionate. I am so grateful for their hard work to make me feel safe abs comfortable, and I will do everything I can to repay it moving forward.
5. It’s Okay Not to Be Okay. This year was hard, and being comfortable living in an ever-escalating state of fear and anxiety was an immense challenge. But in The Wall Street Journal’s “The Art of the Pandemic Meltdown,” Elizabeth Bernstein details the importance of acknowledging when we aren’t okay and gives strategies to help you work through it. Please, please read her work. It is so truly helpful. We can pretend all we want, but eventually we all hit a breaking point. Lean into it -cry you heart out, punch a heavy bag, do whatever you need to do to feel better, as long as it’s safe.
6. Self-Care is Critical. Going off the last lesson, we need to prioritize our mental health. And that means taking time for ourselves. So whenever you can and as often as you need to, take the time you need to care for yourself. For me, this is generally reserved for after Emily goes to bed. I snuggle up with Gloria, read or binge Netflix, and let my mind unwind after a nonstop day. I value this time greatly, and I’d be lost without it.
7. Nature is Healing. I normally spend every second I can outdoors, but this year, I spent more time than ever in nature. And it healed my soul. Spending time in my yard, visiting the beach, going to local parks, and walking anywhere and everywhere I could helped me feel centered and healed in an environment that was safe and beautiful.
8. There is Something Beautiful in Every Day. And this is true even on the darkest day. Emily’s smiles, Gloria’s purrs, Andrew’s hugs, the sound of my parents’ voices, and the smiles on my students faces bring me so much joy no matter what else is on my mind. I try to intentionally notice these moments while they’re happening and revel in them while they last. This year has taught us that everything can change in an instant, so we need to find beauty wherever we can.
9. Intentional Gratitude is Key. And the key here is intentionality. There are so many fantastic exercises for gratitude online and prompted journals if you'd prefer. But to keep it super simple, identifying 5 things you’re grateful for each night can make a huge difference. Some days, my 5 come easily, but others, I’m stretching and struggling. Those are the days to think of the small moments to be grateful for, like the sun on your face or drinking your coffee while it’s still warm. Once you start intentionally focusing on gratitude, you recognize it more often, and your mindset becomes more positive.
10. Remember to Breathe. There was a particularly rough week where I couldn’t take a deep breath. I talked to my mom about it, and she said, “It might sound silly, but when I feel that way, I listen to ‘Breathe’ and just singing along helps me actually breathe.” So on my ride home, I found Anna Nalick’s song (link here) on my phone, put it on repeat, and belted it out. And it actually helped! So now I have a new coping skill I will most definitely use as often as I need it. And you should too, it may help!
11. Hard is Temporary. This is so important to remember. Every season in our lives is temporary, and we need to fight through to get to the other side of it. There are very few things in life that won’t eventually get easier, and when everything feels like it’s crushing down, as it often has this year, it helps to remember that these times are fleeting and will eventually be the moments we look back on to remind ourselves what we are capable of surviving.
12. Control What You Can. This one was hard for me. When the pandemic first began, I was so angry with what seemed like almost everyone around me flouting the rules while I stuck to them so strictly. And when Massachusetts began the reopening process, I panicked even more. Then we returned to school, and despite the fact that our numbers are surging higher than ever before, we have no heat, and we’re forced to teach with the windows open (in January) due to improper ventilation, there are plans in place to increase the number of students brought together each day. I totally understand the importance of in-person learning, but the daily insanity of teaching through this pandemic, along with constant dead for my and my family’s health and safety, has brought me to my knees many times. Along with that, teachers are facing backlash from so many people on social media claiming we’re lazy or we are selfish for caring about our own health. One comment actually said that teachers are public servants, so we should be willing to put our students’ needs above our own. The bottom line here is that I feel like I have no control over anything right now, which would normally cause me massive anxiety. And even though I’m definitely still anxious, I know that there are some things I can control. I restructured my classroom so that everyone is at least 6 feet apart at all times. I clearly express what I am and am not comfortable with in both personal and professional situations. I socialize outdoors only. I get my takeout from places that either offer curbside pick up or don’t allow masks off indoors. I grocery shop at the crack of dawn. As Andrew reminds me every time I’m in a spiral, we are doing everything we possibly can to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. And that is really all we can do. 13. Avoid Triggers. Before this year, I loved reading and watching murder mysteries. I took great pride in solving the mystery before it was revealed, and I often stayed up past bedtime (no easy feat for a teacher!) to try to race to the end as quickly as I could. Now, with real life so unstable and feeling so unsafe, I can’t handle them at all. Also, ever since I had Emily, things have hit me differently. The sick character in Grey’s Anatomy is someone‘s parent or child. The murder victim (and even the killer) in whatever mystery I’m reading was Emily’s age once, and I keep wondering what happened to them. Over the course of the year, I went from soaking in dramatic plot lines to either being completely devastated by them and tearing up for days or utterly annoyed and wondering why any writer would put something so miserable and depressing out into the universe. So I now have an unwavering list of plot points I avoid at all costs: children or animals being harmed (this one is from long before the pandemic, and it applies to predator animals as well. I don’t care if someone kills a bear in self defense, it’s not the bear‘s fault it’s a bear), the apocalypse, disease/plagues, miscarriages (I cry for days any time I read or watch something about a fictional one. In real life, this happens far too often to too many women, and my heart is shattered for every woman and her partner who experience this pain. We absolutely do not need reminders of this used as plot points for cheap emotional thrills), and gratuitous gore. I’ve taken to visiting Common Sense Media whenever I can to try to get trigger warnings, it’s a great resource. Someday, I’ll go back to my mysteries again, but for now, I’m sticking with The Office, Hart of Dixie, Schitt’s Creek, and other lighthearted shows that bring me joy.
14. Listen, and I Mean Really Listen. Andrew is not nearly as afraid of COVID as I am, and I cannot tell you how many times over the last year he’s rolled his eyes when I’ve asked him to Lysol something, reminded him to stay 6 feet away from someone, or wash his hands. One day, we had a particularly hostile argument about the COVID restrictions in our household, and I came right out and told him I didn’t trust him to take things seriously because I knew he didn’t care. “Rosalie, I do every single thing you say!” he shouted. “I wash my hands all the time. I Lysol my laptop every day. I ask you before I see anyone or do anything. Everyone at work actually comments on how extreme I am. But you don’t see that. All you see is the one time I forgot to clean a doorknob. You‘re right, I don’t care about catching COVID, and I think all this stuff is ridiculous, but I do it every single day to make you less anxious. And you’re still a wreck! So I don’t know what to do anymore.”
His harsh yet honest words were a splash of cold water in my face, and all the anger and frustration left me because I knew he was right. He sat off to the side with me at every outdoor family gathering this summer. He kept 6 feet from his friends at their cookouts even though they made fun of him for it and told him he was whipped. He called me to ask if I minded him taking his mask off to have dinner with his dad (who has stage 4 cancer and is quarantining strictly). He wiped down groceries with me for months until we learned we didn’t have to. He did dozens, if not hundreds of things to try to make me feel better, things he believed were completely unnecessary and over the top, but he did them nonetheless. Had I been listening to him all along, I would have saved myself so much anxiety and frustration. Instead, I was stuck in my own head and operating off the oblivious person Andrew was 9 months before. So now, before I rush to judgement or panic, I try to fully analyze the situation and really hear what he’s saying. And it’s been super helpful.
15. Find What Brings You Joy and Do It Often. This year, I’ve rekindled my love of writing (although I wish I posted to this blog more often!), baking, and photography. I’ve gotten outside as often as possible, gone for at least 1000 miles of walks (I really think that’s close to accurate), and spent every second I could with Emily. Andrew got a new gaming computer and loves chatting with his friends while he plays. He’s also built a shed and perfected numerous dinner recipes. We’ve spent tons of time as a family, explored new parks and beaches, and tried every ice cream shop in our region. Having our own unique hobbies that we love and look forward to, as well as our shared ones, help us to be happier people, which then makes us better parents and better partners to each other.
16. Focus on Others. It’s really hard to dwell on your own problems when you have someone else to take care of. Emily and my students have been the most welcome distraction this past year because they keep my mind from getting stuck in a bad place. Even on my hardest days, throwing myself into work or giving all my attention to Emily helps me center and stay in the present.
17. Take a Social Media Break. At its best, social media is a fantastic way to keep in touch with friends and family and see their adorable pets and children. At its worst, social media is a black hole of comparing your life to other people’s and learning about others’ opinions that you just don’t need or want to know. I get that we all have opinions about everything, but I want social media to be an escape, and scrolling through posts does not help me escape anything. So take a hiatus as often as you need to, because trust me, it helps!
18. Try Something You’re Afraid To Do. This year, I finally learned to crochet. I’m not very good, but I’ve been wanting to learn forever and, thanks to YouTube, I’ve made a few lopsided pieces. I’ve never been very comfortable being new to something, especially without the support of a really good teacher, but there was so little to lose that I made an exception. And I’m incredibly proud of my blobby ear warmers and hats! But in all seriousness, I’ve tried so many things I’m afraid of this year, and many were things I never thought twice about before. At first, going to public parks was scary, then the grocery store, then Target, then work, but I went despite the fear and ended up feeling like I had a little more control over my life because of it. This was also the year I let Andrew cut and color my hair for me, and it actually turned out great! The new normal is a world of constantly trying new things and facing new fears, but pushing ourselves is key to moving forward.
19. Laughter is Healing. So watch The Office, or Parks & Rec, or Schitt’s Creek, or whatever else you like to watch to zone out and laugh even on the darkest days. My brother and I nearly cried laughing over the mumps episode of Brooklyn 99 over the summer (we tried to time our Hulu exactly so that we’d see the same moments at the same time, which is far more difficult than one would imagine). Andrew and I lost it watching Schmidt impersonate a Romney on New Girl the other day. Laughter is cathartic and necessary, and we need it often.
20. Focus on the Small Victories. Midnight tomorrow is not a magical moment that will fix everything (even though I wish it was), and while 2020 was pure insanity, getting through all of the fear and chaos has not given us the right to a better 2021. There is no doubt in my mind that someday, things will be better. Emily will be able to play with other kids, I will hug my friends again, school will be back to normal, and we will be in crowded places without crushing fear. But we don’t know when that will be. I’m a little worried that so many people view 2020 as a monster, when in reality, it’s just a period of time. Yes, a lot has happened, but we are not through it yet, and we can’t let our guard down. So instead of optimistically assuming 2021 will be better, I’m choosing to focus on what has gone well this year, like being able to work from home so I didn’t have to leave Emily for more than a few hours until she was 9 months old, spending so much time outdoors, having time to make great memories, and feeling like I can breathe again. Next year, it’s inevitable that there will be a lot of good and a lot of bad. But if we make it a point to celebrate what goes right, no matter how small, we will be far happier people.
Wishing you all a year of love, laughter, and joy!
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