Learning to love the unpredictability of special education
Growing up, I was a little, well, sheltered. My eyes would go wide when people cursed (seriously, kids in my 6th grade class would actually apologize for swearing in front of me), any inappropriate conversations would make me giggle uncontrollably, and I was the kid that had to leave my high school health class in a wheelchair after fainting. For some reason, health class was in the basement of our school and far from any elevator, but that’s an embarrassing story for another day.
Anyway, when I started my career as a special education teacher at a substantially separate school for students with significant behavioral, intellectual, and emotional needs, I was in for quite a few surprises. I immediately loved working with my students; they were compassionate, kind, and hardworking, and they consistently surprised us with new skills and refreshingly honest perspectives. But they were incredibly unpredictable. And for anyone that works in this field, being able to control your facial expressions and show absolutely no reaction is essential to almost every situation. Unexpected nudity, surprise attacks (both affectionate and aggressive in nature), inappropriate comments in public places, and so many things that would have left me speechless in the past became commonplace. And in each of those instances, the first thought that went through my mind was always, “Well, that happened.” And it became a mantra. Here are my top 10 “Well, that happened” moments of my teaching career so far.
10. Being in the middle of a highly planned lesson in front of a parent and advocate who had decided to observe that day, when my student suddenly stands up and shouts, “F*** you, b*****, I ain’t f***** your man! He’s old and decrepit anyway!” before flashing smiles at me, the parent, and the advocate and flouncing out of the room. Later, the student shared that their inspiration stemmed from the episode of Real Housewives from the night before. A part of me was more than a little impressed with their use of “decrepit.”
9. Saying goodbye to a graduating student when he suddenly pulled me into a tight hug, planted a kiss on my forehead, and told me in his Sonic the Hedgehog voice, “You love me.”
8. Bumping into a former student at the drug store who stopped his work just to tell me that he can’t wait to go to heaven someday so he can meet the voice of Big Bird. “That’s a long time from now,” I told the 24-year-old. “Obviously,” he told me with an eye roll, “don’t you think I know that? I’m planning ahead.”
7. Making the mistake of asking a student to get out of the pool so that I could help her get changed to go home before I had gathered up all of her stuff. She obediently hopped out of the pool right away, and as I bent over to pick up her flipflops, I heard dozens of audible gasps. I turned around to see that my student, in an effort to be helpful, had pulled down her one-piece bathing suit to her waist. Lucky those flipflops could be used as a shield to cover her up!
6. Revising an essay on an ancient war hero with a student during which I actually uttered the following sentence: “Buddy, there should be a comma in between disemboweled and decapitated.” He obliged, and then asked me to move on to the next student in his usual polite manner, “That is enough of your female tyranny! I wish to be left alone!” Not going to lie, I had to briefly step into the hallway to “check my message board” so he wouldn’t see me crack up.
5. Asking my student to get off the swing at the end of recess. He immediately followed the direction, then suddenly shouted, “Titanic, a James Cameron film” into the imaginary police radio in his hands, charging at me, and kicking me 3 times in the shin before running top speed to the football field.
4. Spending a pleasant recess with my students when suddenly, a boy from another class shouts, “Get a load of this!” and pulls his pants (and boxers) down. My female students had a lot of questions that day.
3. Attempting to calm an agitated student who suddenly began repeatedly yelling, “You have a penis!” to me, and “You have a baby in your belly!” to my male colleague.
2. Spending 45 minutes helping a student into his bathing suit, one of which involved me exclaiming, “No, you will not leave this bathroom naked!” as he charged, Superman-style, toward the door. Then, when we got to the pool, he made it 97 seconds before pooping in the water. Immediately after his suit had fallen down. Clearly the pool was not my friend.
1. Being held down in the street by my hair by a topless female student in the middle of January after she decided to try out some of the wrestling moves her older brother taught her. It took 10 minutes for 5 coworkers to get her off me, and we definitely traumatized a few innocent passersby. Luckily, I wasn’t injured, I just lost about 10 pieces of hair.
This mantra has served me well over the years, through terrible dates, hilarious family gatherings, and just basically living with my husband on a day-to-day basis. It’s served me even better now that I’m a mom. When my newborn farted while peeing and sprayed me in the face with her pee (I didn’t know girls did that!) (Actually, I didn’t know anyone did that!), the moments I’ve been covered, COVERED, in warm baby spit up, and all of the poopslosions that are just part of life with a baby, it has popped back into my head. And in those moments, I am reassured that no matter what phase of my life I’m in, nothing will ever be boring. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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